How do I protect him?
During some downtime over the holidays, I got sucked into a rerun of an old made-for-TV movie.
The premise of the movie was a fairly common one. Child faces humiliation and pain from peers, while parents remain unaware of the full extent of the problems being faced, and feel helpless as they watch their child’s world spin out of control.
Basically, it was an “after school” movie, at some point. (Totally off the subject, but do they still do after school movies on TV?)
In the end, all is right, as the peers apologize and cheer the child’s success, and the parents and child have never felt so close.
All of this angst and joy was wrapped into a neat two-hour span, leaving plenty of time for commercials.
Sadly, the world doesn’t work this way, and life is rarely “fair.”
As I love and comfort Little Dude, I dread the day when I won’t be able to fix the pain caused by others, the disappointing experiences he may have and the frustrations he has yet to face.
Don’t get me wrong, even if I could, I wouldn’t save Little Dude from every sadness he may encounter. These disappointments shape us, teaching us to work harder and to better appreciate our accomplishments. In order to appreciate our wins in life, we need to learn how to handle losing.
However, as I watched the actress playing the child’s mom, I could understand how lost a mom must feel in that situation – one where you know your child hurts by how others are treating him or her, and it is unfair. You want to help in some way, but you can’t reach your child (and your child knows you are unable to fix the pain, too).
I was reminded of a conversation I had with one of my coworkers a few months ago. We were talking about our kids, and he mentioned how his oldest son was left out of something by a classmate – someone who was supposed to be his son’s friend. He mentioned how difficult it was, as a dad, to watch his son facing these disappointments for the first time. Like in the movie, he could reach out and let his son know he was loved and that it wasn’t fair, but his son was still going to feel hurt for a while. The ability to fix things was beyond his (the dad’s) control.
When Little Dude first went into “school” (yes, daycare), I hated it. Yes, I’ve been working outside the home since my maternity leave ended a couple months after Little Dude’s birth, but he had always been cared for by family or a friend prior to daycare.
By putting him in daycare, I knew more of his life experiences were leaving my control, and that Little Dude would receive less one-on-one attention – a disappointment he would have, that I would be unable to fix.
The first couple of weeks were rough, but he did adjust. And now he seems to look forward to school, occasionally dismissing me from his presence as soon as he sees his friends.
However, his daycare is still a fairly protective environment and he and his peers aren’t quite at the age where they begin to use their friendship as leverage.
I know the time is coming where he will face cruel people, possibly some of his peers. I know he will have frustration, anger and sadness at some point, and a kiss from me won’t fix any of it.
I know he needs to go through these experiences to grow into a healthy adult, but at the same time, how do I protect him?
We hear the stories of the kids who go to extreme measures in their anger, depression or attempts to fit-in. How do I keep him grounded, so he doesn’t become one of these children? And how do I keep from feeling helpless as a parent?
I think the goal is to develop the strength and independence he’ll need to survive it. We can’t protect our children from everything, but we can teach them the tools they can use to get through. — A kiss and comforting hug is one thing, but learning how to respond directly to cruelness is another. Maybe we should teach our kids the psychology behind bullying or how to bite back with kindness and humility.
at first i thought i do not know how to respond other than to offer you a hug. i don’t have kids.
then i realized i can answer based on my experiences.
i think the best thing you can do is to always listen to the little dude. to ask how he is, how was his day, what happened that was exciting, what happened that he didn’t like….etc. start that dialogue when he is young, honour it and keep it.
by doing that, you establish open link. a vehicle for him to share with you. you will have to listen and not just ask the questions. also, i do not think you always advise or act — you will be able to decide when you need to act and when he is just sharing.
the other thing to do is to build the dude’s self esteem. make sure he is a confident little guy. he will be better able to deal with these situations is life if he has a clear sense of who he is and how loved, respected and valued he is for just being him — that he does not need ‘others’ to provide that value — it is all in him.
love him, hug him, and listen to him.
i think be just being aware of what will come and caring him enough to think about it, you will help him prepare and be ready to weather these times in life.
be well,
storm
The schools around here really watch out for hurtful things and really teach a lot about compassion and bulleying. I think the kids are also a lot more aware. But it does still happen.
I try to take that time and say to my kids “this is a lesson to you, that you don’t ever want to make anyone feel the way you are feeling now.”
But it does still hurt!
Being a parent is a hard job… My kids don’t deal with that too much, because of being homeschooled… But, they have been hurt by kids in the neighborhood, and I hate to see that.
Ooh… it is TOUGH, that’s for sure. The motherly instinct to protect our children wars with the need to let our kids grow and learn thing for themselves. Depending on the age, I do my best to ask questions and help “guide” them to the right answer, instead of just “giving” them the right answer.
But man… it is not easy….
I can totally relate to this. It is awful, I have watched kids be nasty to my son, and I could feel an irrational hatred build inside me towards the other child. I knew it was part of growing up and I also knew that there would be times when my son would be the perpetrator, but it didn’t make it easier to accept.
I decided to take him from the situation and took the oportunity to explain that it was not nice, and that by being nasty the other child was being the “Bad Guy” and that that was not what he should be like. The funny thing is, I often find myself using spiderman or starwars or some other reference as examples of good and bad behaviour, and so far he seems to respond to it
Love him. Let him know he’s valued. It’s the kids with low self-esteem that are often victims of bullying. Let him know that he can always come to you with any problem and that you will never judge and always be there for him.
Beautiful post and I can completely relate to everything you said.
I’m just going to say “baby steps”. You can’t really prepare yourself for these situations. When they occur you’ll probably be more upset and cry more than he will. It hurts, and it drags up past hurts.
Hug him, be there for him, and keep building his self esteem.
And you’re right you need to lose a little to understand the value of the victories.
Stop watching those awful movies. They’ll warp your brain. Oh, and don’t read those “parenting” magazines, that’s just going to make you crazy.
Whoa – I don’t even know how to answer this. My suggestion would be to keep the lines of communication open at all times and be there for him.
To keep my young cousin grounded:
1. Make sure he knows you love him, no matter what. If he messes up and is in trouble, just let him know its not you he hates but what he did.
2. I agree with everyone who has posted already on this. Those are also quite helpful.
3. Make sure you teach him that life isn’t fair and that he may get his feelings hurt, but let him know there’s always a silver lining to every dark cloud.
4. Also, church and religion is a great way of staying grounded =) it helps to feel useful in some way, if you have low self-esteem, so if your church does it, the servant trips are a great way to feel like he’s helped someone on a more personal level.
=) Miss Maggie =)
Vered said it best! No matter what happens outside, he needs a safe and loving place to come home to. This of course will not solve everything but it sure goes a long way.
My adult children have made some big mistakes and have experienced major pain but we’ve always made sure that they will always have a place where they can be safe and be forgiven.
Cheryl – Strength and independence. Those are two traits we are trying hard to instill in Little Dude, and as for the psychology behind bullying, that subject has always interested me. And yes, my goal is that Little Dude will always respond with kindness, although I have my worries
storm – An open line of communication, as well as a the building of self-esteem, is also in our “parenting manual,” for Little Dude. And despite not being a parent, I think you had some great thoughts.
Julie – You’ve mentioned some of the kids in the neighborhood on your blog, and I can tell it hurts you as much or more than it bothers your kids. It is sad that the parents don’t see the behavior of these kids as something that should be corrected.
Michele – I do like the idea of using hurtful situations as lessons, and reminding Little Dude that he doesn’t want to make someone else feel the same hurts. (All while I’m holding him as tightly as I possibly can, too, of course…)
MammaDawg – It isn’t easy. And it is so hard to know at what age to offer each type of comfort, if you know what I mean – at what point to we let them handle it on their own and at what point to we step-in?
Mr Geek – Do I have to use Star Wars or Spiderman? Those references will escape me…
In all seriousness, yes, your children are dealing with this already. Does it break your heart to know you can’t fix it, or as a parent, do you feel you get stronger with them, as they grow?
veredd – You said it simply, and it seems to be the common theme running through all of the responses. The only sad thing about you being able to relate is that we don’t live in a very “nice” world. I know we can’t change the world, but hopefully we are all raising our kids to be intolerant of bullying and even if they don’t like someone, to be tolerant and approach differences peacefully.
mrsvierkant – Yes, the movie, and my concerns for Little Dude did bring-up past hurts, so I know exactly what you mean. Seeing those movies, or thinking about what Little Dude may face in the future, isn’t easy when I recall myself being bullied. And I love my little movies, so don’t take them away – and I thought it raised valid concerns, especially as a parent who faced bullying as a child. As for parenting magazines, you know I only glance through for ideas, I don’t dwell to heavily on the articles.
Andrea – That seems to be the common thread running through from all parents. And I didn’t mean to send my worries to you! You have some time, too (as do I), to figure this one out.
Miss Maggie – My darling little cousin. I am actually thrilled to see your opinions and thoughts, since you are just coming out of your teen years, so you more recently remember the hurts that come during those years, many times from your peers. Just remember you’ll have to be there, too, so he knows if he can’t talk to us, he has you, your siblings, your parents, my parents, my siblings, etc…
Chris – I like your use of always having “a place where they can be safe and be forgiven.” When I wrote this, I was more focused on seeing Little Dude as the victim in situations, but you reminded me that he may be the reason for some of the situations. Something I had thought about, but quickly dismissed, since “my kid wouldn’t do that.”
Through all of the messages, I notice everyone has stressed communication and love, and that everyone appears to have dealt with bullying, or with times where their children have had to face tough consequences. I think just knowing that we aren’t alone in our concerns and worries, is helpful.
Impossible. Simply and utterly impossible for you or for him.
What YOU can do FOR him, though, is help him understand that there are thoughtless people in this world – and they don’t always mean to be thoughtless…
What you don’t want to do is make him distrust all others – even good people make mistakes.
Also, understand that hurt can last a long time. Shortman, who is 17 and a High School senior won’t cut his hair above his earlobes because someone, at some time point in his life told him he had fat earlobes.
Now, Shortman’s earlobes are no different than yours or mine. But I’m not forcing the boy to get his hair cut because I understand (says the girl with the big nose.)
And love him. Teach him that no matter what, you love him. All will be well.
hotfessional – I totally relate to Shortman. When I was young (somewhere between 10 & 12), my mom said to me, “I’m so sorry, you have your father’s toes.”
It wasn’t that she was saying I have ugly toes, or that my father’s toes were ugly, and she doesn’t even remember this statement. I never went barefoot (socks or slippers, even in the summer) or wore sandals again, until just about 4 years ago, when I finally realized that awesome sandals and a great pedicure can make me feel pretty terrific.
I still have a bit of a foot complex (the only cute toes I know of, belong to my son), but it took me approximately 20 years to get over that statement.
As for loving Little Dude, that is the easiest job in the world…