“It’s not hard to spot a mother who works outside the home. Just look for someone who dresses in a hurry, eats her breakfast while rushing to her car and applies her make-up as she drives away. But the surest way to spot a mother who works outside the home, just look for a child, who gets sick at the worst possible moment. Yes, it’s not hard to spot a woman who works outside the home, just look for a woman who leaves her house every morning, feeling incredibly guilty.” – Introduction to Desperate Housewives, ABC, February 15, 2009

In my younger days, I loved children. I was in love with the idea of being a mom and I wanted to be a working mom. I figured I would be a teacher and life would easily fall into place, since my kids would be in the school in which I worked, and I would head home the same time they headed home. (Teacher friends – Don’t laugh too much, as I was quite young when I planned this out.) Everything would be picture-perfect, right down to the white picket fence.

I wanted it all – and during the 1980s, women were being told they could have it all. Movies and TV shows were featuring career moms as being happy and productive, while balancing work and home – and I bought into it. Guilt was never shown as an emotion felt by parents leaving their kids. (Seriously – think of The Cosby Show, where both parents happily worked and the kids were successful and well-adjusted.)

By the time I entered college, my interest in having children began to change. I still wanted the teaching career, and I knew I wanted to be married someday, but kids were optional. After another regretful relationship, I changed my mind about being married and chose to pursue a different career – one I hoped would send me soaring into the high-powered business world, allowing me to date and mingle with other high-powered business types. I figured I would focus on my career, climbing my way up the corporate ladder and then maybe, I’d meet another career-focused type, and we would eventually discuss marriage, while on holiday at one of my vacation condos. But marriage and children – definitely not the priority.

Here is my reality. I’m a married mom in her 30s (another year older today, as a matter of fact – happy birthday to me!), and life is definitely not what I expected.

It took me a while to realized it, but you can’t have it all.

You can give 100% to one area of your life, or you can give various percentages to many parts of life – there is simply no way to give 100% to your career and your personal life.

I’m not saying that you can’t be successful, but when I became a mom, I realized that my measures of success changed and I had to alter my goals, completely.

• At one point in time I wanted to be a high-powered executive. Now I want to be respected in my current role, while still maintaining time for my personal life, and being present for my son and husband.
• At one point in time I wanted to have the most challenging projects, working day and night. Now I still want challenging projects, but I’ve realized I can no longer put in hours around the clock without short-changing my time with my son, and my health.
• At one point in time I planned to have my Master’s degree by now, but am content to just wait a bit longer on that goal – and have considered changing fields altogether.

Recently, I was a bit jealous of an acquaintance of mine, and her recent successes in the business world – it brought me back to those old dreams I had of having it all, since it certainly seemed like she was having it all.

While talking to my grandmother, who worries I work too much, I realized all I would have to give up in order to be doing what my acquaintance does – time with my son and possibly the health of my marriage – and it occurred to me that it wouldn’t be worth the sacrifices.

No, I can’t have it all when it comes to my career, and judging from the guilt I already feel when I’m away from my child, I’m more than okay with how my path in life has changed.

Now if only I could clone myself, so I could be in both places at once. Hmm…

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